Obsession with Dying

‘Three weeks to get to the border and then hopefully that would be the answer to my prayers – to vanish forever. I had no desire to keep living. Daily I would fantasise about dying. I was obsessed with these thoughts.’

‘I then realised that I did not care about my own safety, but had major issues seeing others dying, when it should rather have been me. I could not escape. I will never be able to. I had to teach myself to build boxes. Each negative event started finding a hiding place in a container stored in my mind – tightly sealed.’

‘We drove there in silence and when they brought the body out and uncovered his face, I took one look and saw a peaceful, but pale face. He was dead. My best friend and closest ally had left me alone in this godforsaken reality. All the dreams and plans we had were dead. Everything died with him and I could not believe that I was still alive. I wished that I was dead. My brother died of cancer in 2013. My mother died in 2014 and my father died in 2019. Now the only person closest to me, died in 2020. I could not bear it all any longer and I exploded inside. All I wanted was to be dead.’