The Author’s Notable Notes and Quotes PARENTING ‘I cannot even imagine the pain that I had put her through, gambling with her, my daughter and my life as if it was worthless.’ ‘Children do things that hurt parents and that too can leave scars for eternity.’ ‘I felt judged all the time around her, and again I did not blame her, but only myself because of letting her down so many times.’ ‘She called us a dysfunctional family. My only wish is that she will never have to hear that from her own children. That one of her children will never sit her down and tell her that they have a list of issues about her and how she has hurt them, when all she did was her best to give them everything she thought they required and needed. If she can correct my mistakes as a parent, I will be overjoyed. I probably will never know the answer to this. All I can do is hope. I have always had the utmost faith in her for doing the right thing.’ THE TRUTH ‘Every story has two sides and reality and truth lies hidden somewhere, maybe not always in the middle. Sometimes some people just assume responsibility more readily than others. I know I do. If you do, and are not made aware of the errors from the other side; or if the other side never admits to being at fault; or at least that they had a role to play, you eventually end up on your knees constantly begging for forgiveness. Then the day comes that you try to get up from the dusty floor where you have lived for so long, and discover that your posture has settled into this submissive, self doubting, self chastising blob of little worth, or even worse, you can’t even get up. People recognize this. They see it, smell it and exploit it. Bit by bit they erode away every bit of your self-worth and respect that you ever possessed. You have become the proverbial punching bag and all you know or feel is that you deserve it.’ ‘As I said, somewhere there is a real and true reality and this book is by no means aimed at putting anyone in front of a firing squad, or to elicit an opinion of right or wrong. This is my perspective, my reality, and I am the one who has to live with the past, in the present, in order to recapture the pre-eighteen year old one who vanished in order to survive the future.’ FORGIVING YOURSELF ‘Then, as we came close to the end of the session, she asked me to listen carefully and to listen to what she had to say. This is probably not verbatim, but it boiled down to the fact that I needed to forgive myself for whatever it was that I felt this tremendous guilt about. I heard her. I took it in and in the moment it made sense.’ ‘Today I have forgiven myself for just being human, for having done irresponsible things with no bad intention towards my child.’ A LOST AND LONELY CHILD – I NEVER BELONGED ‘I stopped smiling, the feeling of belonging faded as I realised that her reaction was not so much about me, but about my brother. The son she had lost forever, thanks to a war. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe it was out of love. Maybe she was scared to lose another son. Whatever the reason was, I will never know, but what was certain, was that I was not afraid to become another lost child of the family. I already was.’ OBSESSION WITH DYING ‘Three weeks to get to the border and then hopefully that would be the answer to my prayers – to vanish forever. I had no desire to keep living. Daily I would fantasise about dying. I was obsessed with these thoughts.’ ‘I then realised that I did not care about my own safety, but had major issues seeing others dying, when it should rather have been me. I could not escape. I will never be able to. I had to teach myself to build boxes. Each negative event started finding a hiding place in a container stored in my mind – tightly sealed.’ ‘We drove there in silence and when they brought the body out and uncovered his face, I took one look and saw a peaceful, but pale face. He was dead. My best friend and closest ally had left me alone in this godforsaken reality. All the dreams and plans we had were dead. Everything died with him and I could not believe that I was still alive. I wished that I was dead. My brother died of cancer in 2013. My mother died in 2014 and my father died in 2019. Now the only person closest to me, died in 2020. I could not bear it all any longer and I exploded inside. All I wanted was to be dead.’ STATE OF MIND ‘I could not wait to escape that hell that I had experienced there; and my singular goal was to become a target for the enemy. I hoped with all my heart that with a bit of luck, I would not survive to return home. Not for one moment did I think that things could get any worse or traumatic, but we have all heard of a baptism by fire. Well… I fell straight from the frying pan into the fire.’ ‘We never spoke about that pit stop in the death camp again, but I will never forget it; the place where the history caught up with my past and everything shattered in an instant just to be placed back and locked away.’ ‘I was wondering what their motives were. I knew what mine was. Were some of us here for the same reason or did we also have some deranged people in our midst; with ulterior motives or convictions, or those who had been brainwashed to such an extent that this was a calling in some way. Somehow nothing made any difference, as none of us had a choice not to go where we were sent.’ ‘Things seem a lot bigger than they are when you are only five years old. This was me. I felt huge. I could do it on my own. If only it could be like this, always. That feeling was the most intoxicating awareness of passion for life that I had ever experienced.’ THE TRAUMA OF WAR ‘I ran back to the chopper holding the boy in front of me, my one arm under his shoulders, the other behind his knees, pushing him against my body. We managed to get into the helicopters and took off. Only then did I look down at the face of the body I was cradling in my lap now. Two huge brown eyes stared at me. The stare pierced my mind and heart and all I saw was hatred. Those eyes. They kept staring at me – at the man that came from the sky after wiping out his entire community, who ran off with him into a flying machine… that must have been horrifyingly scary; and had now placed him in a building with strangers. He never cried. Not one tear. No sound. Nothing. Just the eyes. The revelation for me was that he would never have answers to any of his sad and terrifying questions.’ ‘This was not something that anyone should ever be part of, let alone an 18 year old child soldier. This box was smashed open only years later when Emma and I were faced with the same decision with regards to our unborn child. I never put it back into the box again and it only strengthened my belief regarding abortion.’ ‘All that happened to me was a life lesson that changed my personal opinion, all because of a traumatic experience which no teenager should ever witness.’ ‘I tried to think of the prisoners of war who suffered and died where I was sitting. I needed to connect with them, feel their pain and anguish, but I could not. My mind was flooded by my own eyewitness experiences from the war of my own country and for the first time, I wept for them and maybe for myself.’ OWNING MY OWN GOOD DEEDS ‘Perhaps sometime in the future, I would realise that I was the only one who showed him any kindness and care during his horrific ordeal. Maybe, just maybe, I was instrumental in saving this one little soul’s life for a far bigger purpose in the future.’ He said: ‘I wish you could see yourself as others do. You would love yourself to bits.’ I responded by saying: ‘I wish people could see me the way I see myself. They would be more gentle.’ (Wise words from a dear Friend and my response.) ‘Another personal failure…but now I know that I am not a failure in the world’s eyes anymore… I was destined to be here.’ ‘After my attacks, I lost my ability to feel too excited about anything. The fear of something terrible happening to me was always large enough to prevent me from experiencing joy. My world was a general plateau of okayness and a few exciting moments of laughter, but mostly, I was caught fighting the black hole of serious depression and denial… I always refer to the feeling of desperation, of impending doom, of uselessness, as the black hole. I have always been aware of its existence and managed to evade the powerful pull into the centre of the darkness, into nothingness, but that never stopped me from wondering where it all will lead.’ ‘The failed attempt to end my life would haunt me for the rest of my existence. I have experienced suffering to the extent of complete desperation and despair, but besides the flaming hatred I felt towards Martin, I have never intended to cause any distress to another person. On the contrary I often sacrificed my own opportunities to enjoy life, by becoming a people pleaser and initially believed that that is what made everyday life bearable. I don’t think so anymore.’ AND ALL ABOUT LOVE ‘We are all guilty for having shortcomings when it comes to the concept of love.’ ‘Some are gentle and healing and others cut so deep that reconciliation seems impossible. In my opinion, only blood and tears are spattered in the name of love.’ MY OWN CONCLUSION ABOUT LIFE ‘I knew that I would never enter into any new relationship with anyone ever again. My mind was clear and set on that. I was not built for relationships and incapable of being a normal partner to anyone. It did not bother me then and still does not. I honestly believe that I am no good with relationships and that you cannot teach an old dog new tricks.’ ‘When is it so important to be in the best place, shape and condition while we constantly look at our wrists or make marks on calendars? We celebrate the history of the passing of a bad moment a few seconds ago.’ ‘I suddenly don’t feel like a rescuer. I am the skipper, heading on a course to my own destiny. Not stopping to be distracted by all the wounded around me. I am not inhumane. I will always be the person who wants to help, but now I see the difference between help and fix.’ ‘The circle of life is not taught. It is experienced. I was learning about life every second without even realising it. None of the educational toys in my room could ever have prepared me for life as much as nature did.’ ‘It was then that I understood that I had been dropped into a world of structure, discipline and conformity. I was allowed to stay home for the remainder of the day only to walk into the classroom the following morning with a heavy heart. I received strange looks from teachers and fellow scholars alike. It was written on my forehead for all to see: Rebel.’ TRUST ‘That was the pivotal moment of my life. Not the assault, nor the pain, or the humiliation, but the betrayal. Nothing was more important to me as it was in that exact place in time. It is the moment that I realised that I cannot trust or confide in people.’ LETTING GO OF HATRED ‘For the first time in my existence I surrendered to the fact that I could not fix this on my own and that what was accompanied by shame and a feeling of failure, was expelled in months to come. It was replaced by a sense of belonging and a fraction of power. The power I have always thought I had was not power at all. It was my biggest weakness and now I was busy rising from my destructive past, incredibly slowly, to a point of acceptance and understanding, regardless of the pain and hurt that accompanies change.’ FINDING MY OWN SELF-WORTH ‘I am not going to sit and say that it has been easy; so many changes have happened in the past few months; with so much confusion, and I chose this time to do it, but I have, and I am hugely proud of myself. Some days were very rough and tempting, but I pushed through. I once again did it on my own. I can really do amazing things once I set my mind to it. I am worried that I may have caused damage, but that we will only discover later. The best I can do now is to refrain from the bad and try to repair it.’ GRIEVING AND LOSS ‘I remember his caring and beautiful words and explanation of death, but that didn’t make the unbridled pain and agony that ripped through my soul, exploding my heart into thousands of pieces and falling around me in total despair and horror, any better. There was only one thing I knew that would make this suffering subside; the chemical warfare that we employed for the past couple of months during lockdown.’