Owning My Own Good Deeds

‘Perhaps sometime in the future, I would realise that I was the only one who showed him any kindness and care during his horrific ordeal. Maybe, just maybe, I was instrumental in saving this one little soul’s life for a far bigger purpose in the future.’

He said: ‘I wish you could see yourself as others do. You would love yourself to bits.’ I responded by saying: ‘I wish people could see me the way I see myself. They would be more gentle.’ (Wise words from a dear Friend and my response.)

‘Another personal failure…but now I know that I am not a failure in the world’s eyes anymore… I was destined to be here.’

‘After my attacks, I lost my ability to feel too excited about anything. The fear of something terrible happening to me was always large enough to prevent me from experiencing joy. My world was a general plateau of okayness and a few exciting moments of laughter, but mostly, I was caught fighting the black hole of serious depression and denial… I always refer to the feeling of desperation, of impending doom, of uselessness, as the black hole. I have always been aware of its existence and managed to evade the powerful pull into the centre of the darkness, into nothingness, but that never stopped me from wondering where it all will lead.’ 

‘The failed attempt to end my life would haunt me for the rest of my existence. I have experienced suffering to the extent of complete desperation and despair, but besides the flaming hatred I felt towards Martin, I have never intended to cause any distress to another person. On the contrary I often sacrificed my own opportunities to enjoy life, by becoming a people pleaser and initially believed that that is what made everyday life bearable. I don’t think so anymore.’